Boys don’t cry

A couple of months ago Don was speaking to Shaudon about his chores and being responsible for cleaning his room, loading and unloading the dishwasher and other little things around the house.

If you have a 9 year old you know Shaudon prefers to watch TV and play his video games therefore; we always have to remind him about getting his chores done. If you are from the Caribbean or of Caribbean descent you know exactly what Don meant when he said “Bend di tree from it young”. If you don’t, I will translate. Don was basically helping Shaudon to understand how being responsible at young age helps to mold his character as he gets older.

While Don was talking to Shaudon I stayed out of it because I fully supported everything he was saying.  Then he said it. “Stop crying. Boys don’t cry”.   Guys, I almost lost it but I kept my cool and waited to speak to Don in private. One of the worst things you can do is undermine your spouse in front of your children. This is a BIG NO-NO.  Later that day I asked Don why he said that to Shaudon and he said “Stop babying him Pia. He’s a big boy”. There was so much wrong with that statement but I stayed focused and gently explained to Don what was wrong with what he said.

Here is my take on why we shouldn’t raise our boys with the destructive rhetoric of “BOYS DON’T CRY!”

THEY STOP FEELING

Telling your son boys don’t cry has the same effect as calling your toddler a bad baby.  The child will eventually take on that identity.  In this case, our sons may grow up disconnected with their emotions and feelings because they were repeatedly told to suppress them. In due course, they won’t be able to express their feelings because they will think it’s a sign of weakness.  Rather than telling our boys don’t cry, tell them it’s ok to cry. What’s not ok is remaining in that constant state of despondency.

DISCONNECTED RELATIONSHIPS

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone for years yet, there’s still so much distance between you guys?  Have you ever been in a conversation with your boyfriend and you might as well be talking to the wall?  This is another negative result of the phrase boys don’t cry.  A deep connection in any relationship is an emotional act; however men view their lack of emotion as true masculinity.  Anything contrary to this will be regarded as abnormal and ultimately damage their manhood. And that’s why some men have such a hard time truly connecting with their emotions; it challenges their identity. The sad part is, we complain about these types of men but we raised them. If we want to see change, it begins with us. It starts in our home with our sons.

BUILT UP ANGER

What happens when you shake a can of pop?  What can happen if you put too much air pressure in your tires? If we teach our sons, boys don’t cry, it will spiral into built up anger and when anger is built up, it gets misdirected.  This can lead to bullying, lack of self-love and self-worth, violence, abuse and I won’t even mention the mental health issues. Words are so powerful, why are we raising our boys to suffer in silence rather than teaching them coping tools? When Don tried to rebut I said, “Don, Jesus wept! Leave my child alone and let him cry”.

I know someone is reading this and saying, “well I told him boys don’t cry, not to stop feeling. I don’t want him to turn into a sissy”. Here’s the thing, what you say to someone and how they process it are two different things.  When you tell a young impressionable child to stop crying because he’s not supposed to, in essence you are really molding him to show less and less emotions.

I am not writing this post to trash anyone’s parenting skills because I am far from perfect. However, knowledge is power so when I finally understood how damaging this phrase was, I knew I had to make changes within my own home.  I’m simply sharing my knowledge with you.  Does any of this make sense to you? Do you know of any other commonly used phrase that’s actually hindering rather than helping our children? Please share!