How to help your eldest child adjust to new babies

Shaudon is the eldest of our 3 children. For 8 years he has been the center of our world in every way. Since birth, he has had more shoes than he could wear, more clothes than he needed and his toy collection was even worst.  At one point, he probably had 2 or 3 of every toy.  It was so bad; if I had a birthday party and I forgot to buy a gift, I could grab a brand new outfit with shoes from Shaudon’s closet. He had a plethora of things.  Not only did we shower him with stuff but we loved him beyond words and he knew that. We revolved around him and I am not ashamed to admit it.   But who could blame us? He was our first child and we wanted him to have everything we didn’t have as kids growing up.

I wish I had a better picture but if you look closely, Shaudon is being escorted into his first birthday party in a Cadillac.  This is one of the many extravagant gifts we got him.  He is also wearing a Burberry outfit.

However, as he grew older, certain things became less important to him and he started to ask questions.  Mommy why don’t I have a brother or a sister? Why don’t you and daddy have more kids? Why do I have to be an only child? At one point he hated being at home because he didn’t want to be by himself.  His prayers were finally answered and we were pregnant.  He prayed for a boy and girl twin and God blessed us twins; a girl and a boy!  He’s so amazing!!

The minute my family and friends found out about my pregnancy; they counseled me on being cognitive of Shaudon feeling jealous of the twins. They warned me about the negative effect it could have on his self-esteem and gave me pointers on how to make Shaudon feel included.  It was great and I was convinced I had everything under control but no pep talk could prepare me for that night.

I finally got the twins down for bed and I was heading downstairs to straighten up and pack the dishwasher.  When I was passing Shaudon’s room he called out to me but I was furious because he should have been sleeping already.  I answered him with such annoyance and frustration.  Looking back I feel so ashamed because I didn’t even give him a chance; my attitude was so dismissive. World’s best mom right?

I walk in his room to shout at him and he was in tears.  Shaudon told me that he was crying because he thinks his dad and I don’t love him anymore since we give all of our attention to the twins.  Do you know I got mad at Shaudon? I was angry that he would even think that! I included him when it was time to bathe the twins, when it was time to put them to bed, when it was time to feed them, when it was time to change them, when it was time to play with them.  In fact, we played with them together and we even sang to them together.  Shaudon, how could you say that?! But my anger quickly turned to sadness and the tears just started to run down my face. I realized that Shaudon was a part of everything we did for “them” but we were no longer a part of things Shaudon enjoyed. I failed him as a mommy and the heartache from letting him down is one of the worst pains I’ve ever felt.  We talked for a long time that night and I apologized and asked him to give me a chance to make things right. After I left Shaudon’s room, I went to my bedroom and I just cried.

But I woke up with a fresh attitude and I was determined to make things right with Shaudon.  I knew exactly what I needed to do and here is what I did to help shaudon feel loved again.

SCRAP THE COMMON RHETORIC

I’ve always been told that the number one way to make kids feel included is to have them help with the new baby. I am not saying this is a lie, I am saying It’s not as easy as it sounds.

It’s great to have Shaudon help with bathtime and diapers but that only lasted so long. The feeling of “I am a big boy helper” evolved into “why do I have to do so much” and he hated it!  I didn’t realize I was abusing his willingness to help so after a while it wasn’t fun for him anymore.  He felt overworked and he started to resent helping with the twins.

RESOLUTION:

I used it in moderation. If I sent him 3 times already to grab something for the baby, I think I can manage it the 4^thtime. There’s a thin line between treating someone like a servant and asking for assistance.

SPEAK TO FRIENDS AND FAMILY

My family was so excited about the twins that sometimes they forgot to acknowledge Shaudon was in the room. He said “mommy sometimes they would see me and just ask about the twins and not even ask how I was doing”.

RESOLUTION:

The hype about a new baby is nuts and twins only makes it worst. My family wasn’t trying to hurt Shaudon’s feelings, it was inadvertent.  I spoke to my family so they could become more aware of their actions or lack thereof.

I spoke to my family about how Shaudon was feeling.  I asked that they be intentional about acknowledging Shaudon and talking to him about what’s new and fun in his life.  As far as the twins are concerned, leave those questions for me.

DON'T CHANGE YOUR ROUTINE, JUST TWEAK IT

Before the twins, I would always put Shaudon to bed.  After he brushed his teeth, we would pray together and I always lay beside him until he falls asleep. When the twins got in the picture, I started to send Shaudon to bed on his own with just a reminder to say his prayers.  I can imagine how he felt alone and dismissed when I did this!

RESOLUTION:

Get back to the routine you had with your eldest child but tweak it to include all of your children.

Rather than sending Shaudon upstairs by himself, everyone started going to bed the same time. This gives me a chance to put Shaudon and the twins to bed, pray with them and once everyone is all snuggled in, I sit in the hallway between both rooms and I read a bedtime story to all 3 of them. Now that the twins are older, sometimes they want to lay in bed with Shaudon. So everyone climbs in Shaudon’s bed for the story and then I move the twins over to their cribs.

In fact, before the twins got use to going to bed the same time as Shaudon. I would bring their baby chairs in Shaudon’s room so I could stay on track with his bedtime routine while they relax and watch in their chairs.

MOMMY/DADDY ALONE TIME

Shaudon loves to bake so he’s always challenging me to do something in the kitchen. He was the one who came up with the idea that we should make our own pizza dough. We’ve never looked back since.  Once again, all of that stopped when the twins were born.

RESOLUTION:

I carved out time for just Shaudon and I to do something he loves! Daddy held down the twins and I spent quality time with my special little guy.  We also did the same thing for daddy. Shaudon loves to go to the gym to workout with Don or to play ball so we made sure to make that happen. No twins, no mommy, just Shaudon and dad.

More recently, we both took time off work and we spent the day with Shaudon. No twins, just mommy, daddy and Shaudon.

EXPLORE THE PAIN POINTS

I knew how to address Shaudon's feelings because I asked him.  I asked him to be honest with me about what I was doing or lack thereof and then I set out to resolve the issues. I also let him know that his feelings were valid.

RESOLUTION:

Don’t assume you know what your child is hurting about. Ask and address them accordingly.  And, don’t forget to follow up and ask if you are doing a better job at making he/she feel like a part of the family. I asked Shaudon and he said I am doing ok, lol. I appreciated his honesty and was happy with the improvements.

I can honestly write a book about all the different things I had to do different but I think you get the point.  It’s not easy for the eldest child or children when a baby comes in the picture let alone two at the same time. I am so proud of Shaudon for vocalizing his feelings to me. This situation could have gone very different had he chose to stay silent.  Shaudon I love you so much. Thank you for challenging me everyday to be a better version of myself!

So tell me, have you had experience with your eldest child feeling neglected when you had your other children? How did you overcome it? This is a day by day journey, so do you have any advice or suggestions for me? Let’s talk!